Just An Ordinary Girl- How it all started

 Just an ordinary girl

I am a thirteen year old lump of life....I have no purpose, no reason, no not anything......       I am just an ordinary girl, and this is my story......

I walk through the halls of school I get those half looks, wow she's fat! Does she even talk to anyone. Living duel lives. At school I am a quiet shy person, I stick to the walls, stare at the floors, watch my shoes go by. I am a no body, no one notices. At home I am myself....or who I think I should be myself. I talk, I am open but does anyone really know who I am? I am a human being of billions of people, who even cares?

Who am I? Do I even matter? What's the point to all this? No one cares about me. No one would even be sad if I left. I am a fat no good for nothing lump. I hate everything. I can't do anything right. Life just stinks, what the heck am I suppose to do here? 

Today I walked home from school slowly, depressed, determined that no one loves me. I walk in to see my little six year old sister, she just wants to play with me, just a hug. I shrug her off, she starts to bother me. I start screaming at her, go away, mom starts yelling at me to stop. I start yelling at her, what do you even care!! Take one last look at my precious little sister and see the pain in her eyes. I scream and run to my room. I had had it. 

This was the week, I was going to do it. No one would ever miss me. I slam the door dramatically and start storming around, how was I going to do it? I was serious, I was going to take my own life. How? Doesn't matter how, I was going to do it, this week. I start to think how, I started to think why? I'm scared, no I screamed it doesn't matter anymore they don't care about me. Besides I am a terrible person, I hate myself, I just yelled at a precious sister whom I had waited eight years for. I was messing life up so much. Why??

I grabbed the first thing I could get ahold of.....my scriptures, and every good Christian knows you don't through the scriptures...yes I did it, I threw them, but who cares? Who cares about it? What are they going to do to me? Yell at me? Wooooo scarrrryyy......I am still thinking on how to do it. I trip....oohhhhhh woof ouch.....what the??? Are those my ?? Scriptures!!?? Ah really God? Now you want to talk to me? Ummm.....

I sit there thinking.....the bible is right here, oh look. Note books let's write down how I will do it, brainstorm.....what is this? Great a church magazine? Wow really God?? Fine I will read it, yeah right...then I will think on how I will take my life. I sit there thinking am I really going to do this? Could I really take my own life? What's wrong with me? It hits me when I see the magazines and the scriptures.....God is trying to tell you something. But what? 

I sit on the floor I start to cry, help me God! I fall on my face and start to sob. I sit there for a good five minutes sobbing letting out all my frustrations in a kind of prayer 

pleading with God to help me, I can't do this anymore! I need help! Who am I? I need to know how to help myself be better. But why think I am anyone special? I am just an ordinary girl.

As I lay there sobbing I reach for something to dry my face. I reach out and feel the magazine. Fine! I will read the stupid paper! I open it up, I flip through it a minute then something catches my eye.....I start to read.

Its about a young girl who hates her dad because she blames him for how bad her life is. Her mom had left her years before and she believed it was her dads fault. It all was. She hated him, her own dad..(I thought how could she have such hate for her dad? Ok sometimes I don't like my dad but hey normal). It was so bad that her bishop asked if he could see her. He asked her if they could talk. They talked about her relationship with her dad, she lets him have it......he was the worst basically..so her bishop asked her to to sit and think about five good things about her dad. She couldn't do it. So he asked her to think all week and get back to him. She shrugged it off and put little effort into the five things about her dad. A week later her bishop asked her how it went, she didn't even have one good one, they were all still negative. Well he looked at her and said you need to pray and ask the lord for help on this one, but I want five good things by next week. She thought and thought and couldn't think of anything. Then she decided to pray, when she finished she was able to write not only five but she kept going to almost a hundred! Wow she thought I really do love my dad and I am so grateful for him! 

I sit there staring at the magazine.....wow she really hated her dad but then saw the good in it. I sit and think do I hate anyone as bad as she does? .........I sat there remembering this story so clearly that I was hit with the question, Kasaundra do you love yourself? I was like no, I am fat, I am ugly, I am not good at anything. The reality hit me like a baseball to the face,  YOU HATE YOURSELF!! Do I really hate myself that bad? Do I really hate life that much? I sit and think wow I do! 

The question came, does your Heavenly Father love you? ....I sat and pondered......does your mom and dad love you?......sometimes I thought.......the love I felt in that moment was so great, that my heart felt as if it would explode. I knew right then and there the lord loved me for who I am, and that no matter what I am his child, I also felt that my parents loved me unconditionally. So why could I not love my self? 

Then just in that moment I get an idea. Do you think it would work? Would it work if I did this but for me? To help me love myself? Would it work? I start to take action, I find a tissue, a pen and grab my pillow, sit down and offer a prayer. Help me lord write five good things about myself. I sit and stare at the paper.....come on lord help me.

I put my pen to the paper, I start to write....one wow that was hard.....two ok I can do this....three I can't do this!!.......four uggggg (I fall backwards on the pillow, why!?) ....number five.......I DID IT! ......the ideas start to flow one after another after another.....I keep going.....what? ............I stop and see all the good things I have written about me.....I start to count.....10......25.......67.......110!! What? 110 POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT ME!! It worked!! 

Now what??? I still don't like myself...hmmm I think some more.....maybe if I see those thoughts everyday.....hmmmm. I grab my markers, paper and scissors I start to cut out pieces and start writing all those 110 things I love about myself. My plan....everyday I will choose a new one and I will carry it with me and every time I feel depressed, fat, or unwanted I will read it and remember that I can love myself. More importantly it will help me be more positive and make life easier. I may just be an ordinary girl but at least I can love myself.

****One of the most important things that we can do in life if we are negative, depressed, or feel alone is look at ourselves. Look at ourselves and ask......do I love myself? Can I really be happy with who I am inside? It all starts with ourselves, we have to love ourselves before we can go on further. We are not alone in this quest of life we have the lord on our side always, he knows our pains, he knows our wants and needs trust him and love who he made you to be. ****

I am a fifteen year old looking for acceptance...... I am still just an ordinary girl but today I love myself, I love who I am. But we all know that that only can last for a while with out help, especially walking through those hallways at school, I still feel vulnerable no matter how much I love myself. Why is that? I still think and remember my thirteen year old experience. Yeah I still am a little fluffy, that's what I call myself....I am not fat!...fluffy sounds more positive. 

But still as I walk down the halls I feel so judged, feeling judge is the key here, I am not sure if I really am getting judge but I feel it. Feelings.....remember how they almost took my life? Now I am just walking through life looking for some sort of acceptance. Where do I find it? I look here....I look there....I think wow this is a very critical time in my life if I don't make the right choices here I could end up pretty bad.

I sit on a bench..thinking..watching the people move around me...my music playing in my headphones.... I sit remembering my friend.....it's her anniversary of her suicidal death...the thought scares me so much....I almost did that as well.....thinking why did she do it? What was she feeling? What was she wanting? Did she hate herself like I had? ........thinking....what was she looking for?

I look up.....I see the different groups of popularity, wannabes, jocks, hicks, preppies, druggies....ect...what does each one of these people want most in there life right now?..........she wanted....they want.....I want....we all want......acceptance!!!

That was it! That's what we all look for in life....acceptance. Isn't that what everyone wants at this age in life.....isn't that what everyone wants in life in general.....to just feel accepted? To do something great. Here I am thinking.....how do I help my self feel accepted? What can I do? I already accept myself but how do I feel accepted by others?

Walking to class.....I see class presidential posters.......could I? Should I even try to go for class president?? Nah....no one knows me....maybe....here I am sitting in class...brea leans over....hey you should run for class president.....haha Who me? No! Hhaaha funny I think....maybe....why not try.... Let's do it!!

I sit and think what could I use as my campaign.......I laugh and think.....SERVICE WITH A SMILE....haha I am for sure not getting it....,, I have posters all over the school.....now I feel like I want to crawl into my hole....I am better now. I don't hide from the crowds like before but I still want to, once you have had a struggle you seem to have it follow you.......I look up and get a comforting smile from a friend, another asks if she can write my speech.....wow who are these people and were did they come from?

Elections......scary....I am looking my best....I am scared.....I remember my friend as I look into the mirror in the school bathroom....you can do this....no matter if they accept you at least you accept yourself, at least you love yourself. That's what I do when I am scared....I look in the mirror and remind myself who I am, I remind myself of five positive things about myself and how I can do it......I can....I offer a silent prayer to my lord...help me..

It's my turn I stand up and smile my biggest smile, I straighten my shoulders, I can do this I think, I start to shake....I can't do this....I search for a comforting eye.....I look out and see myself in each and everyone of these students.....they are also searching for acceptance. They are searching for the same thing....I relax and start to share what I feel and how I want to help them for them.

Waiting is the worst......students we have the winners.....sophomore president is.......I with with little hope but a lot.....wait what me? What?!? I I I I .....am ......class president?? What? Oh my......I am so scared.....I didn't think I would actually get it.....

Never in my wildest dreams did i ever think I could be accepted as class president. I was running up against one of the most popular girls in my class and I won? Why? I am sitting here wondering how? I look up as a group approaches me....it's a group I always say hi to, I never have had any friends friends that I only hung out with. I just kinda hung out with everyone. One of these groups are coming towards me.

We are talking and they are telling me....we told everyone to vote for you.....why?? I am thinking....why would you do that? ....they go on to say it's because your always smiling.....your always happy....you deserve a chance, a chance that the rest of us are to scared to take. We go for the ordinary girl.

I am speechless.....me happy all the time? Smiling all the time? I start to tear up....they gave me a chance to prove myself....they gave a chance to feel accepted at something, and by accepting me, they feel accepted as well......now remember I am just an ordinary girl, I still have thoughts to take my life.

Why do I? I don't know, because it seems to be the easy way out...but I am remembering the hard things I have done, I over came my moment of almost taking my life, I overcame the fear of being accepted and just went with it.....I over came those challenges and I can over come more....I can do it, and I am just an ordinary girl.

***everyone fights with the wanting a of being accepted, we all think I am the only one who feels this way....wrong....if you really break it down it is the majority of people who feel the need to be accepted. So there is a way to feel accepted.....go find someone who needs a friend and accept each other....and together go find another and another...soon we will all have our whole family of friends together and we are all accepting each other so no one feels left out. We can't be to quick to judge, everyone thought the preppy girl would win....but just an ordinary girl won. Be yourself and you can change the world.*****

I am a eighteen year old searching for my purpose in life......senior in high school, just going through life, going through school, working, being myself and loving myself. Well like a fifteen year old I still don't have a certain friend group I just go with everyone. I have a group I spend more time with but still I am not only with them. I love everyone so I just try to be myself with everyone. As life goes on I think....what do I want to do with my life? Well more importantly what is my purpose in life?

I am working today..... I am a florist...I looovvveee my flowers it's my stress reliever....hint hint everyone needs a stress reliever. If not wow what a rough life. Any way here I am picking up flowers and cleaning them. Thinking, thinking about how high school is coming to an end what do I do with my life. Ouch....that's a big thorn on that rose, (haha physically and emotionally haha)

So the school is having a huge assembly in a few days about character. We have been struggling with that one, we have had lots of bullying and more suicides. Tears roll down my cheeks just thinking about it. How cruel? For someone who would hurt someone else just because they both feel unaccepted. If someone would have been bullying me before when I was struggling the most I would of been drastic and done it with out thinking.

I inhale a deep breath of this beautiful orange gerber daisy, so beautiful yet so imperfect. Aren't we all the same, imperfect but yet so beautiful? We are all beautiful and with those imperfections it just makes us that more beautiful. I feel so bad for those fellow students of mine who took there lives, something they never realized is.....we have all felt that at one point or another....we are not alone.

How it hurts me, how it's hurts....I put the scissors down....I start crying.....if only I could of smiled at them....if only someone could of given them a hug that day.....I walk to the cooler and cry......that's all I needed that dark day....was a hug or a smile from anyone to help me......I cry for me....I cry for them...I cry for everyone who has ever felt the same way I have....what a cruel world, but if only we could understand each other we could help everyone. I wipe my eyes and go back to work. Thinking.....what is my purpose of life.

So this whole character program the high school has started is to help us build character in us! Because to change the world we have to start with ourselves. So they are giving away lots of prizes and at the end of the year they would give a car away....well that's coming up quick... So you have to get a ticket for good character and then you put it in the drawing and they draw you for the car or something else. Well I don't have very many cards in the drawing anyway and I only have one in the car...not going to be me but that's ok.

Three days before graduation....I am pretty nervous, also today is the drawing for the car, I am just headed over there to see who is going to win the character car.....I am sitting waiting, my good friend is sitting by me......drummmmmm rrroooolllllll.......they draw out ten names.......first...second.....seventh.......ninth.....tenth....??. ...what!?! Was that my name?!? I hurry up to the stage.....we are given keys...which ever key starts the car gets it.

In the end my heart is just racing, it wants to pound out of my chest. If I am given the blessing I will be so blessed. I really could use it. For some reason they won't let me go, they are making me wait closer to the end....Grrrr....it's my turn, I jump in....it goes in....it is turning.....its lights up.....and its is purring...I look up and the whole student body is on their feet screaming.....I bow my head and rest it on the steering wheel and offer up a prayer of gratitude.

I had no idea how much I had made a difference in others people's lives or if I even made a difference, no not until that day I won the car for good character. I was told by so many people that I am glad you won it, you deserve it! You changed my life by that smile. Or so many other things I just get so over whelmed when I think of it. I never ever imagined the difference that I made in others lives.

My whole high school life I had mostly kept to myself. I had tried my best to make someone feel good about themselves. I tried my best to a least smile at someone everyday. 

That day my whole life changed....I realized that my purpose in life was to change me! Then and only then could I help others change. That character starts with me, and from that others can use my example...it can make a ripple effect.

***my purpose in life is to smile at everyone I can and make them feel loved. I am just an ordinary girl but at least I can smile at someone or give them a hug to let them know that they are not alone in this trial called life. More that anything to let them know that no matter what you never know the effect you can have on someone. You never know...so keep being you and let your true colors show. Change the world and be just an ordinary girl***

I am a twenty year old never going to give up......I am a missionary. What is that you may think? Well a missionary is someone who leaves their families for a time period so that they can help other families stay together and learn about God. I serve that's my job, all day long, every day. I live here in Spain helping them remember that they are not alone. I see poverty, I see the poorest of poor, the rich of rich. I see the two opposites I have been through a lot of things while I have lived here trying to help. But do I give up? Nope not one bit.

Imagine this......

It's cold, I am bundled up with leggings, tights, three socks in my rain boots, I have on two shirts, a sweater, a even bigger sweater, a coat, gloves, a giant scarf around my face, my hood is over my head, I look back to see my companion, it's hard to tell what she is thinking under the umbrella and through the icy rain. We have been out for hours, no one has talked to us for about 35 mins, cold, freezing actually.....do I still have a nose? Can't really feel my toes....my poor comp found out about 10 min ago she has a hole in her boot, water is seeping in, to far away from home to change....what do we do? Why are we here? We stop, give each other a cold wet hug, we find out we both are soaked to the sweaters.....lost feeling in my knees hours ago. We stop and huddle together asking God were to go next.

It's hot, I am down to as far as I can be and still be proper, sunscreen....check, sandles, hair up, bag as light as can be, I turn to look at my companion, she's struggling too, we ran out of water about 15 min ago...we are looking for more. It's hard to see her expression through the glare of the sun, the sunscreen worn off a few hours ago. We have been walking for hours. No ones on the street they are all on the beach. We are looking for the few who might be home, wow I look like rudolf the red nose reindeer with my face... Ouch that's going to hurt. Why are we here? What do we do? We stop and give each other a hot hug, we find out we both are soaked through to the skin of ....sweat? Ew gross, we quickly separate....found out we are living in a sauna. We stop and huddle together asking God were to go next.

To extremes, two examples, what do we do when it comes down to nothing? We huddle together and pray to God to ask what do we do next. Don't you dare give up has been a motto of mine for years, it was a title of a book I read as a young girl about a gymnast who worked so hard to have her dream, she achieved her dream but it didn't stop there, she was in an accident while doing a stunt due to the lack of attention to the equipment she was using during a competition. She become paralyzed. This is a true story that helped me see that no matter what we are going through we cannot give up.

Through my own trials I have thought don't give up its ok....it helps to the point but then I think of those words....Don't you DARE give up!!! It just has something else to it.

We have to keep going, we can't give up. I read this quote not to long ago, it pierced my heart.

"For of all sad words of tongues or pen, the saddest are these "'it might have been""

                                                   -John Greenleaf Whittier 

***You never ever know who you can change and help through YOUR example. I have been fortunate to see a scratch of the effect I have had on people. I have only tried to be better than I was yesterday, and I will be better tomorrow. If not I will fall back into who I use to be. That's not what I want. What I want is to change the world. What I want is to help the whole world feel what I feel that it is not impossible to be happy, that there is always something better that we can achieve. I have changed my life and continue to do so. You can too! Change a life be you!**

            **And that is how Just an Ordinary Girl continues to change the world**

                       Written by: Just an Ordinary Girl, KDJorgensen

                   

                   Based after real life events and feelings, basically it's really my life

KDJORGENSEN